26 Things about me

I found this meme via Xaya’s blog und thought it’d be nice to do it.

Autocrissexual – me. I had always struggled to define my uh, weird approach to sexuality as I certainly did not identify as sexual person but not as asexual either so until the term autocrissexual I was just a very confused bird who thought she was broken. Thank you tumblr.

Bird – also me. My username everywhere is Roterwolkenvogel (red clouds bird) which started as a unfortunate necessity and has become me so much more than I ever expected. I usally have it shortened to Vogel/bird to make it easier. I am not a furry (feathery?) but I do refer to myself as bird more often than not simply because it is amusing.

Cats – I am a cat person ever since I was born. We always had cats, we will prolly always will have cats and when I die, I want to go out with a fluffy butt on my face in my arms.

Diorama – I do so love dioramas and creating scenes for my dolls. I never thought I’d acutally get around to do it but it has gradually become my zen garden – something I get back to do after work, just rearranging small things and admiring what I have.

Emotions – go through a cycle with me. Every day at midnight I just reset and start the day anew like a blank slate. That is at least the best description I can offer why usually can’t be arsed to hold onto an emotion longer than 24 hours, be it good or bad.

Friends – I have a hard time making friends I’d describe as true ones. I am not a very emotional person with a very antisocial streak so the initial contact needed to make friends is incredible stressful and trying to me. I do have people I would consider friends and I have Ara who is my goddamn soulmate sister of sorts and Nezu who is just a damn blessing herself (and Choco, who deals with me clinging like a limpet to her wife, which deserves a medal on its own). I do have a hard time keeping friends tho, the doll people have been exceptions but at large, I shed my friends when I start a new part of my life like a snake might shed its skin.

Grudge – as said under E, I at large do not do emotions. I can howerver hold grudges for ages. I am the person who once decided that one friend has been such an ass, she needed to be excluded from my life forever. So I proceeded to completely ignore her for like five years. When we were still in school and saw each other daily I might add. The grudges I hold are not many and they are not on the forefront of my mind but I hold them indefinitely.

Home – is where the heart is. Or in my case, where I know every strange sound at night. I do still live at home, mainly cause the cost of living in my city and the city I work in are fucking high and it’d prolly cost me like 3/4 of my wage to afford a nice place of my own and because I have that nice dilemma, that I can’t live alone but I also can’t live with other people unless they are family or really close friends. Since I can’t exactly move in with Ara, I stick to living with my Mom.

Interests – used to vary from week to week but since I found BJDs it has been a constant source of new and exciting things that I do hope to continue for weeks to come.

Jokes – are life. Especially the really really bad ones. Others can attest to the fact that horrible bad jokes make my cry with laughter.

Kids – I not not like kids. Like, I don’t know what to do with them, why I should want them much to the dismay to most elderly people in my family who want to convince me of the merits of relationships and children. Sorry, no can do. I actually got into a bigger argument with my Dad when he told me he expected me to like me half-brothers to which I had to make it clear to him that no, those are his offsprings. I had no hand in their creation nor did I express any wish to have those blighters so no, it is not my responsibility to deal with them, to like them or to interact with them. In fact, I haven’t seen both in like… five years? Eldest one is now 13 so I might need to investigate if he understands sarcasm now and we might be able to get along. Someday. Okay I did went to visit my Dad for his BDay and as long as we keep interactions limited I have no urge to kill them instantly.

Love – not my cup of tea if used romantically. And totally not in movies, if I have to see any romantic shit I won’t rewatch the darn thing (exceptions exist such as Lord of the Rings where I put up with Arwen/Aragorn for example). I do have a list of ’safe‘ films that are 100% battles, blood, nice scenery, good costumes and fighting that are super relaxing to watch.

Medication – is sadly needed. I take one sort of pills to have my zen state of mind for work and not take everything that happens as something that affects me (that was hard after it got so bad last year). I am not overly happy about it but I do hope that when I switch offices someday I can drop it again.

No(pe) – gets gradually easier to say, albeit not in a work setting sadly. That’d have saved me years of my life probably, lol.

OTPis it cheating when I use OTP as a stand-in for fanfiction because I used up F already? Anyway, fanfiction is a big part of my life ever since my Mom introduced me to it in 2006 (yes, she started it first and isn’t that hilarious?). Friends can attest that I will virtually read anything if I like the author even if I know jackshit about the fandom. I used to have a huge storage of pdf files of fanfics of over 200 fandoms (and I think it was easily like 2.000 fanfics itself?) before the Big USB Crash Of 2016 (TM). Also porn. Porn is fabulous and a blessing.
I used to write quite a lot for the Naruto fandom back in the day but stopped when I started with dolls in 2009. Nowadays I can’t even bear to read German fanfics anymore, let alone write them (THE GRAMMAR; THE SPELLING OH GOD PEOPLE CAN YOU PLEASE SPELL CORRECTLY AHHHHHH). So I am reduced to English. I have written and published two works of fanfic on AO3 in English but at large I am too lazy to write.
And to stay on the topic of OTPs, I do fade in and out of being totally enamoured by a pairing quite a lot, though some OTPs have stuck with me for quite a while (Itachi/Kisame and Kaiba/Ishizu, looking at you).

Parents – I love mine. Shortly after the divorce the whole construct of parents was indeed screwed and the usually mandatory rule of „Dad has the children every other weekend and half of each vacation“ did put a strain on my relationship with my Dad (cause it meant dealing with his girlfriend and the spawns – neither my brother or I were happy, we did much better after we agreed on seeing each other just occassionally but then just us) but at large I am close to them. Closer to my Mom than to my Dad tho due to virtue of still living togther with her and her being in the hobby with me and generally being a bigger, meaner and more tougher version than me. She is my idol.

Quiet – I do like it quiet. Sooner or later loud noises annoy me a lot so quietness is a blessing. In that regard, I fucking love having my office to myself once again because I can just close the door and have my quiet space.

Relationships – I don’t do relationships. The idea of having another person who demands attention and wants to know everything about me is terrifying. I can’t see myself ever having a relationship in the romantic or sexual way to be honest. It is just not something I desire or feel I need.

Stress – people stress me. Especially interaction with people I don’t know (though even interacting with people I know is stressful, lol). I can do it, I can even act like it is the most fun I ever had but I will crash when I am home (like, flat out crawl into bed and die). I do still like doll meets or the bigger events like LDoll but it is stress for me that is partially offset by seeing the people I like or just meeting someone I only know from online chatting but the after effects are not pretty. I compensate by taking some days just for me after coming home so that I can go back to my usual state of mind.

Taxidermy – I love taxidermy in all its forms, be it stuffed animals, wet specimen, bones or fur. I can’t tell you why I am so fascinated by what is essentially a dead animal but I am fascinated by it and I love owning it. My stuffed mink is one of my treasures and I’d not mind owning a stuffed fox as well (tho finding an ethically sourced one that does not look some child’s nightmare face-wise has so far proven a PITA). I’d love to try my hand at taxidermy myself in a sort of educational way but so far finding a course on that was not meant to be.

Urban – I am a horrible person when it comes to my actual living situation. I can’t deal with real rural areas but I can’t deal with big cities either (Munich gives me the creeps if I am forced to be there for longer cause TOO MANY PEOPLE and it is not that big of a city). I like where I live cause it is a nice cross between the advantages of a city (shopping possibilities, cinema, various restaurants and shit) and more uh, rural benefits like nature (woods, a big lake, small populations). And if I am in need of more stuff, I can just hop into the train and reach the next big city (Munich) in half an hour. All of this reasons why I don’t wanna move.

Vacation – I do like vacations, they are just a source of stress cause WHAT IF. I am also not a really well travelled person as we usually vacationed within Germany. Before 2014 (LDoll) I had been in Italy and that was it. Though I’d like to travel more (brain: haha, AS IF)!

Work – I am a legal assisstant – technically. Went to vocational school after obtaining my A-levels as I admitted to myself that I’d be too lazy to study and it’d be a waste of money. So earning money straight away seemed like a good idea at the time. I actually had no idea what to do after school until a friend made an offhand comment throwing the job of legal assisstant as an option at me in a talk. Is it overly dramatic when I say that this job was made for me? I did finish my apprenticeship with very good marks (no honors sadly) and then I kinda got sold off by my former boss to a friend of him who had been looking for new legal assisstant. There is room for discussion if I can still say that I work as legal assisstant when I am in fact now working in an insolvency office but eh, semantics. This job very nearly broke me in 2015 when I was just so… done with how much gets thrown at you in my office and my doc very nearly diagnosed me with burnout but I did pull through. Not without medication but at least it is a low dose and hey, I’d rather work (/creepily strokes paycheck).

X-rated – The internet is for porn ~ Or you know, I really like reading porn (albeit only because I honestly do not think about how certain things would like, not be possible or so. I swear to god, Ara pointing out all the inconsistencies and stuff in sex scenes is hilarious)

Yum – My reaction to food. I love food (which is kinda obvious looking at my graceful figure /ahem) and I am very easily bribed by good food. Also food pics. Much to the dismay of the people I go out eating with („are you done yet, can I please eat?“) but hot damn, food <3

Zero – fucks given. My view on life. I used to be the person who spent hours agonizing about what others thought about her and I did get bullied during school until I decided that no, I do not need anyone’s approval, I just need to feel at peace with myself. My school situation approved rapidly after that and I dare say that it is also a very helpful approach to the doll hobby. Because obsessing if other people like your dolls or you pictures or what you do just kills the fun for me.